foolishness. lowliness. etc.

so, as i was soul angsting today, as the previous email shows, i sat down on my futon, after a long nite of trying to find everything to do to occupy my time and mind, cuz it was so jumbled and disorganised, that i just didnt want to think anymore.. or at all, really.. so i watched some tv., played online a bit, talked to friends, tried to see if any of my kids were free.. and nothing was helping. in the back of my mind i felt a tug of something, (God), calling me to read His Word, to come to Him, to stop for 5 seconds and let Him say something to me.. to focus.. i ignored it.. played more online, talked to my roomate.. ate food.. did nothing, and did it for quite some time, until the feeling just wouldnt go away.

so i sat down, the futon again, and had my Bible and my cell phone, and my regular phone and a blanket and tried really hard to be spiritual and have it all figured out.. cuz, of course, everythings in the Bible, rite? and i know enough truth to try and make myself feel better.. so, i sit there, frustrated cuz im so angsty inside, and a good definition for that would be... like soul confused/messed up/ok/distracted/denial/discontent/unrest/not sure what im feeling, etc.. and so here i sit, even more frustrated cuz i just didnt know how to fix myself.. grr.. so i sit.. and vent to God, and just keep venting, coming before Him as i am, not as i would like, or as i wanted, or as other ppl saw, but coming before Him frustrated and confused and needy and... as i did.. His Holy Spirit came. His presence came. He came and just was with me. and listened. and loved and comforted and let me be. and i opened up to 1 corinthians. chapter 1 and into chapter 3 i read.

and as i read, i began to cry. realising how paralysed my soul was from fear. God started to reveal to me that i was completly so afraid of failing at this humongous task that was in front of me, and that i was paralysed. my soul angst was from this fear that had me bound to the point where i couldnt even move.. and as i began to pray.. God began to release that fear. and as i read and prayed and listened in the moments of stillness and silence i had given Him, i kept reading this..

brothers, think of what you were when you were called. not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. but God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. it is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. therefore, as it is written: "let him who boasts boast in the Lord." i cor. 1:26-31

hmm.. so i thought.. were is my failing going to come from if im trusting in Gods power alone?

then i read..

"we have the mind of Christ." 1 cor. 2:16

hmm.. ok, peace is flooding in.. and then, i read..

"don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" 1 cor. 3:16

and for some reason, God flooded my heart with these truths of who i am in Him, that i am nothing apart from Him.. that its fear that was paralysing me and truth that is setting me free..

so.. needless to say, its been a trying day.. and God is faithfully pursuing my heart, mind and soul, and giving me peace that is out of this world.. by truth, His Word His truth, He is the Word, He is the truth, and therein lies my freedom. its crazy.. its good.. praise God.. thru faith.. for freedom and peace.. amen.