latest

so, as you all know, its been tough going here lately.. persectution, false accusations, physical violence, spiritual oppression, blow after blow after blow.. etc.. daily i cry. daily i give up. daily i perservere, crying out to God, can you hear me? and asking and seeking after His truth with all of my heart.. knowing He has to hear, He has to know whats going on, even though everything in me screams otherwise..

it blows my mind that in the pits of despair, He rescues us. from our hearts deepest ache and our souls most sorrowful moments, He hears. and cares. the last month especially i have been challenged so much.. i have literally thought i would not make it, and could not make it and had no clue what to do.. as i sat bawling my eyes out last nite at the weight and horridness of it all, God spoke..

do you love me?.. (yes, Lord).. feed my sheep.
do you trust me?.. (yes, Lord).. perservere even though you see not, nor feel not.
do you have faith?.. (yes, Lord).. trust me in the darkness and oppression.
do you love me?.. (yes, of course, Lord).. obey me.. bless those who persecute you.. pray for those who curse you, love your enemies. literally. do it.

hmm... the reality of my faith, is that i am in a battle. daily.. my life is not my own and i have been bought with a price.. in order to find it, i must take my cross, follow Him and lay it down for the sake of the gospel. i must love those that hate me with out cause and pray for them and love them and bless them? uh... ok..

BUT GOD, is so faithful.. imagine that.. today, i was walking thru drimnagh, full of fear. gripped with fear actually, from everything that has been going on lately.. i was deep in conflict, cuz i have been doing nothing lately but trying to trust Him, and i am meditating on truth, believing His promises, but feeling nothing different.. fear.. oppression.. they were following me, and i was doing everything rite.. it didnt make sense..

so, after doing my thing there.. i got on the bus and just started praying.. what is going on?
Lord? ugh.. just felt frustrated, and was irratated that even though i was trusting, seeking, asking, praying, waiting.. that it was not helping.. i didnt feel different.. in fact, i felt worse.. but yet, this small voice in my head just kept saying.. keep trusting.. keep praying.. keep seeking.. keep waiting.. and rejoice..

so i resolved to love, cuz in my head, the verse, "love covers a multitude of sins", and the thought that anything done in faith and to the Lord will bring Him glory and so.. set out to love those who were trying to ruin me..

then.. even though i felt nothing but discouragement and depression, i remembered that, "i am more than a conqueror in Him", that, "He will keep Him in perfect peace, Him whose mind is stayed on Him", "i can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength", "that My grace is perfected thru my weakness".. "that He has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, peace and that of a sound mind".. and i resolved to believe these things and walk in them.. regardless of how i feel.. cuz faith is being sure of what we dont see and walking in that.

perserverance and praising in the pits, pretty much is what ive been learning.. and also to rejoice, love, bless, and obey.. cuz my life isnt my own.. to believe Him that He has the victory.. that He has broken down the hostility and we can walk in that victory and faith, at all times.. and God, is amazing!! He has honoured that obedience!!

like, tonite at club.. best nite i have ever had.. the most fun, the most connections with the kids.. brilliant, amazing, fabulous evening.. then jenn and i went to drimnagh to drop off kids.. she had to get out of the van and was gone for about 20 minutes, and wouldnt you know.. its 10 oclock at nite, and up walks this young one weve been having trouble with to the van.. and i saw her and had nothing but peace, and was praising God for the protection and she opend the door and was apologising all over herself, going on and on and on and on.. and jenn walked over all worried.. and God lifted my heart into heaven and gave me so much peace.. and life, and joy and strength and light..

its hard to describe.. but all i can say is that God is faithful to Himself.. we can actually trust Him.. that we can walk in faith in His promises and even when we are so low.. He will lift us up in due time.. but we can not give up, and when we do.. to keep praising and obeying and He is good.. He is faithful. He has a reason for saying the things He does.. and just has blown my mind by His goodness.. the only way i can feel to say it is, "it works!".. trusting God.. believing everything He says, very literally, and walking in those things, works.. peace.. overwhelming peace.. protection.. joy.. and i have found my life by doing the exact opposite thing that the world is use to.. God is amazing... truly amazing.. so thank you for praying.. so much.. He has lifted the oppression and brought His joy and His life and His kingdom here..

"the Lord binds up the bruises of His people, and heals the wounds of the afflicted.." isa. 30:26

"although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, your teachers wil be hidden no more, wiht you own eyes you will se them. whether you turn to the rite or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, `this is the way, walk in it.`" isa. 30:20-21

"by the way that he came he will return, and he will not enter this city, declares the Lord, i will defend this city and save it, for my names sake, and for the sake of david my servant."! isa. 37:33-35

"i would have lost heart, unless i had believed that i would see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living." ps. 26:13

"some trust in chariots, some in horses, but we will remember the name of the Lord our God." ps. 20:7