ahh.... my heart

i truely felt my heart beat again. 3 years of emotion and memories and feelings, all came crashing into my little world as i pulled into the town of enniskillen of friday night. if you know anything about me, you'd know that for so long i have longed to be at this place, longed to see these ppl, and i knew for 3 years, that it wasnt quite time yet. as i pulled in i could hardly keep myself from crying, with joy, i really wanted to, but didnt want to see everyone like i had left.. in tears. but this time they were of joy, my heart felt like it was going to explode with joy. a happiness even, that i have not felt in so long. it was time.


i have been thinking about it, and have realised that i have such a love for that place and those people, that its really actually quite hard to describe, and when i left a little over 3 years ago, i felt my heart being ripped out and left in little peices there. obviously my heart is Gods, but i truely left a part of myself there, and in order to cope in coming back home and to be ok, i had to die to enniskillen in a way. it had to become "the past", and i had to force myself to move on, and praise God for my time there, and grieve the loss of this and really had to come to terms with the reality that i probably would never be there again, or see those ppl again. going back this last weekend, i found those peices of my heart. i felt the parts of me that i had shoved and shifted aside to stop hurting and missing it, come back to me. it was time. Gods time for me to say, ah... and breathe with a truely beating heart again. i had a feeling of coming home. it was so amazing.


but the time i had there was amazing, so of God, and just what i have needed. i didnt make any plans with ppl, just told them i was coming, and the weekend couldnt have happened better if i tried. seriously, i get there, throw down my stuff, and im so full of adrenaline, that im literally running thru town with my camera, up to the old house, all the streets, every place i ever had a memory i went to and just stood and praised God. it was a gorgeous nite, and was literally all over the town in a couple hours. met some of my kids, stayed with an amazing family i knew really well over there, reminisced all nite and stayed up so late.. go into town the next mrng not having a clue where to find ppl, and just started going in all the shops. and one by one, God allowed me to see my best friend from there "randomly".. and then a couple i use to know, then one my of girls, then a bus thru town was comin in and i see this guy bangin the window at me i use to know.. went down to the water by the castle, cuz there was the world championships of wakeboarding and stuff happening. and as we sat down to watch it.. literally one by one my "favourites" started walking by. ( i know im not supposed to have favourites, but ya know.. the kids i wouldve really gotten closest to ). and seriously, theyre all like 16-22 yrs old now, and it was so cool running up behind them and giving them huge hugs when they didnt know i was in town, and i look totally different.. went out.. went to a birthday party where all these woman in the schools and churches were, and the teens were at.. like honestly, i could not have planned on seeing all these ppl and or for a better weekend, it was truely the happiest i have been in over 3 years. i couldnt stop smiling.. my kids couldnt believe i loved them as much as i said i did, to actually come back from the states.. they even said that in all 5 years of having youth workers, (most being from northern ireland) i was the only one that came back.. and they were so, you could just tell, felt really special and loved.

oh.. so good.. then all day sunday was brilliant, i was at so many ppls houses, eating, out and about.. honestly, ppl were inviting me out left and rite and i know now, i have literally about 30 homes to stay in this coming year, of ppl that really want to have me stay..

it was just the most amazing weekend. i was smiling like i have never smiled before.. and now i know that enniskillen is still there. still actually exactly the same. and i have my many homes there. for me, it was 3 years of grieiving over the loss of it, all over. i know that no matter where i am in this world now, that enniskillen is still there for me to come back to, that nothing has changed, i am loved, and my heart is put back together, it was all i needed, just to go back, see it.. see them.. be there.. its like when something is just so full and you need it to burst, it was that.. that, ah...... and joy and happiness.. and feeling so at home, being in a place where all my memories were, and seeing them again and getting my heart back. its so wierd, like i have been and lived so many im sure "cooler" places, at least ppl would think so, and yet.. northern ireland, very specifically has captured my heart. its where i fit.. i cant even describe it.. and im not sad anymore.. like no matter if im here, there or somewhere else.. the bubbles been burst, i have my heart in one piece and in my mind, i can go back anytime, so im ok. now im rambling cuz i cant explain it.. but it was just time, thats all i can say. the rite time.. and i havent been this happy in a really long time, praise God!!!